What jokes do Americans tell each other and how?

What jokes do Americans tell each other and how?

I am often asked about purely American jokes. It turns out that I had a selection of purely American anecdotes. I publish it here, however, in abbreviated form. Picked up more or less funny. Read, for the Saturday laugh!
Rules: how to tell jokes.
 Be sure that you know the joke well and can reproduce it in your mind before you start telling it. Try to make it as short as possible. Avoid telling one anecdote after another and give the listener a break. Remember that jokes must be funny and should not offend anyone present. Diversify your jokes, even if you have a favorite. Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you finish it. ***
Marty: “You heard Bob got kicked out of school for a cheat sheet.” Wade: “How did this happen?” Marty: “they caught Him counting his ribs in the biology exam.”
 CoId: “it was Only by accident that I read the letter on your Desk.” Ken: “By accident”? CoId: “Yes, I happened to be wearing glasses.”
 He: “I’m glad I wasn’t born in France.” She Said “Why”? He: “I can’t speak French.”
 Bob: “With the money I saved, I bought a farm 10 miles long and half an inch wide.” Joe: “Well, what are you going to grow on it?” Bob: “I planted spaghetti”.
 Fred: “My uncle has the laziest cock in the world on his farm.” Bill: “How do you know?” Fred: “He never crows at dawn. And, waiting for the other roosters to start crowing, he nods his head in agreement.”
 Joe: “You’re wearing the wrong shoes.” Mo: but I have no other legs!
“Every time I drink tea from a Cup, I have a piercing pain in my right eye. What should I do? “Take the spoon out of the Cup.”
 “This Joe”? “Of course it’s Joe.” “Not like Joe.” “Don’t worry, it’s Joe.” “Then, Joe, lend me 10 bucks”? “I’ll ask him as soon as he comes.”
Ted: “I saw you pushing your bike on the way to work.” Mad: “Yes, I was so late that I didn’t have time to sit on it.”
CoId: “Is it true that carrots are good for the eyes”? Fred: “Well, I’ve never met a rabbit with glasses.”
Man: “You caught so many fish yourself”? Boy: Oh, no. A worm helped me.”
The first boy: “Tell me, what is the best way to teach a girl to swim?” The second boy: “Well, it requires a certain technique. First, you put your left hand around her waist. Then you gently take her left hand and»… The first boy: “She is my sister.” The second boy: “Oh, then you just push her off the Board!”
The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and shouted: “If you don’t stop playing that creepy saxophone, I’ll go crazy.” “I’m afraid it’s too late,” he replied. “I stopped playing an hour ago.”
Host: “If you are going to stay overnight, you must make your own bed.” Guest: “it suits Me.” The owner: “Here’s a hammer and saw. Good night.”
 The teacher asked the students to list all the American States. One little boy answered so quickly and with such care that she interrupted him. “You answered very well,” she said, “much better than I could at your age.” “Yes,” said the boy, “that’s understandable, since there were only thirteen States back then.”
He said, “What I would give for a single kiss”? She: “Chloroform”.
Joan: “I didn’t mean to upset you, dick, but I got engaged to Joe yesterday.” Dick: “Well, what about next week?” Nos. He: “I believe, that somewhere still saw your face”? She: “That you, sir. It’s always here and with me.”
One important lady in Washington thought she could get President Coolidge to talk. Catching him during lunch, she decided that such a moment had come. “Oh, Mr. President,” she said, trying to disarm him with her directness. “I bet I could make You say more than three words.” “You’ve lost,” Coolidge replied.
The chief went to the warehouse and froze. He saw a boy who leaned against the package and frankly idled. This was unheard of audacity in his enterprise. “How much do you make a week?” the chief asked menacingly. “One hundred and twenty dollars.” “Here’s your hundred and twenty. Now get out of here. You’re fired.” After the boy philosophically put the money in his pocket and left, the boss turned to the foreman and demanded: “Since when does this slacker work for us”? “Never as far as I know,” was the answer. “He just dropped off a package.”
A beautiful young lady filed a check in the Bank window to get cash. The clerk quickly checked the check and asked, “can You identify yourself?” Then the young woman opened her purse, took out a mirror and looked at him for a couple of seconds, looked at the clerk and said, “Yes, it’s me, don’t worry.”
One evening, on her way back from a first aid course, a young woman came across a man lying face down on the unlit side of the street. “Here,” she thought, “I’m going to help this poor man.” Parked next to him, she ran up to him and began to give the man artificial respiration. At first the man coughed, then turned to her and, speaking with difficulty, said: “I turned on the lantern for the guy working at the bottom, in the sewer well. I don’t know what you think, but I want You to let me continue my work.”
 The girl got a job as a stenographer, and she had to pass a test on the spelling of words. “How do You spell Mississippi?” ask her. She thought for a moment and then said, “River or state?”
 Seller: “I tried to see you all this week. When can You receive me?» Director: “Arrange it with my Secretary.” Seller: “I negotiated, and we kisslinger conducted time, but now I need to meet with You.”
A young woman entered the bookstore and approached the assistant salesman. “You return the money if the consumer is not satisfied with the quality of the goods”? she asked. “It depends on the product,” explained the seller. “This product is a book.” “What did You not like about her, Madam?” “Well,” she said, “I didn’t like the end of it.” Nos. Patient: “Will my artificial teeth look like real teeth”? Dentist: “Madam, I made them so natural that they will even hurt.”
 Man: (breaking into the hardware store) “Quick! Give me a mousetrap.” Seller: “One minute, sir”! Man: “Don’t just stand there. More quickly. I have to catch a taxi.” Seller: “Oh, pardon, sir, such a big mousetrap we have no.”
A hard rock fan listened to another CD and turned to his father, who was reading the evening paper, exclaiming: “Well, how, have you ever heard anything like this?” The father raised his head and replied, “no, I don’t think so. The closest thing I’ve ever heard to this is when a truck with empty dishes crashed into a truck carrying pigs.”
 On his birthday, his parents gave little Willie a Bicycle and proudly watched his debut. On the first lap, Willie yelled, “Look mom, I’m going without hands.” On the second lap he said: “Look, mom, food without legs.” Third time, “Look, mom, no teeth!”
Photographer: (young man) “the Picture will look much better if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.” Father: “it Will be much more natural if his hand is in my pocket.”
 The girl returned home from College and enthusiastically told her father about the undoubted benefits of physical education. “Just look at this exercise. To strengthen my arm muscles, I take this stick at one end and slowly move it from right to left.” “Well, great!”my father exclaimed. “And what not invent science! If the stick on the other end had straw, you could sweep the floor.”
 The young husband, who agreed with his wife that they need a vacuum cleaner, was very upset when instead of the standard model, his wife bought a super vacuum cleaner. “But, dear,” explained his wife, “it will not cost more! All we have to do is pay a little longer.”
 The question: “How quickly to disperse the crowd”? Answer: “Put the hat in a circle.”
 After paying his hotel bill, the departing guest suddenly turned to the messenger: “Quick, boy, run upstairs to room 454 and see if I left my pajamas and razor. Run fast, because my train leaves in six minutes.” Four minutes later, out of breath, the messenger returned. “Yes, sir,” he reported, “they are indeed there.”
Two political candidates from different parties argue at the rally: “There are a hundred ways to make money,” said the candidate, “but only one of them is honest.” “What’s that?” asked his opponent. “Yeah!”, — the first answered. “I thought you didn’t know that.”
Hearing the doorbell, the owner of the house hurried to open the front door and found an old friend and next to him a big dog. “Come on! Come on in”!- he greeted the guest joyfully. The friend entered the house and sat down, while the dog chased after the master’s cat, overturned the table lamp and a few vases, eventually settling in the best chair. When the guest was about to leave, the owner said with sarcasm in his voice: “Try not to forget your dog!» “A dog? I have no dog,” replied the guest. “I thought it was your dog.”
 “How old are You?” the magistrate asked her. “Don’t forget, You give information under oath.” “Twenty-one years and several months,” replied the lady. “How many months”? “One eight.”
 “It’s so hot today, I don’t want to get dressed,” Jack says, coming out of the shower, “honey, what do you think our neighbors would think if I went out to mow the lawn like this?” “I probably married you for the money.”
 Oh, my God! Send me Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and Patience to withstand the changes of his mood. Because, Lord, if I ask you for Strength, I will beat him to death. Amen Nos.
  • What jokes do Americans tell each other and how?